Answered Prayers
God answered my prayer. I have moments when I miss Maynard alot and on the 30th of Dec I layed down to take a nap. I thanked God and also asked that I was given strength for my boys and that I could have a sign that Maynard was still with me. As I was dozing off, I went into a dream that I was on an ATV riding on the trails just like Maynard & I used to do.
After a few months of restlessness I finally felt at peace. I knew that he was still w/ me. I also felt a good feeling about JD. The one who has chosen to be with me…despite our age and my situation.
It’s like being in love with two people, but can only have one physically. How does one get over losing a spouse? I’ve asked myself this many times. It’s got to be worse for those that have been married for 50+ yrs.
Thank God For All You Have and realize that is How It Is.
Myrtle
I Miss Who I Was
I miss who I was and had a meltdown lastnight.
I had a blow up w/ JD after a week and a half of holding something in. An incident occurred where we ran into someone I had gone to school w/ and this person was drunk and loud and we were in a quiet restaurant/bar and the drunk guy made it known who I was and how I had helped him pass school. This embarrassed JD and is the first time I saw a side of him I didn’t really like. His comment pissed me off and I stewed about it until lastnight.
It made me feel like I wasn’t suppose to have a past and I know so many people! Maynard and I were like the ‘power couple’ early in our marriage. We partied and spent alot of time w/ friends from many towns.
I have been missing the relationships I had w/ people from my past. Maynard was a possessive asshole, but I never felt like I was on a leash. I could come home after a night out w/ the girls and tell him about my adventure…even if it included some idiot trying to pick me up and my girlfriend whisking me away from someone who was a little wierd and telling me not to worry…she was armed that night. She was licensed to carry because of an ex who threatened her.
JD is a quiet person and enjoys spending time w/ me…which I should love, since Maynard went through times when he spent so little time w/ me. I do like doing stuff w/ JD, but there are only a couple friends that I still hang w/ and sometimes I want the whole picture. Being able to walk into a place and have people know me, even the drunks. I miss the casual conversations and catching up w/ people.
It’s good to get that off my chest. I also started wearing my old wedding ring again…on my pinky finger. It’s a pretty ring, why let it sit in a box?
I’m sure there will be more later, just empty in the head right now.
Thank God For All You Have and realize that is How It Is.
Myrtle
Emotional Meltdown
I’ve had a hard past week and I didn’t really see it coming. I thought I had moved on after the death of my husband, but this past weekend marked three years and I was pretty much a mess. No matter what anyone did, it just wasn’t enough. And now I feel bad.
First my sister in law called to inform me that her granddaughter was being baptized, but her son relies on her to do too much and assumed she had gotten ahold of me. It’s his daughter and he needs to grow up and take on adult responsibilities.
I had to set up an expo Saturday, and w/ it being Leaf Season…we have those in the midwest…where the leaves turn colors before falling off…and the turnout was not good.
JD and I went out for dinner and a couple drinks and he pretty much ignored me the whole time we sat there. College football was on. Then he made a comment about bringing along his PSP and I informed him that wasn’t allowed when we were on a date. He used to be such a hands-on guy…you know, a hand on the thigh, arm across the back of the chair, etc. NOTHING Saturday night. And it hurt so bad. It was one of the things that attracted me to him was that he wasn’t afraid of PDA. I told him it’s hard to compete w/ football and video games. I’m working 60 fricken hours a week and I went on a date w/ a back and a pair of shoulders. Should’ve just put the damn pj’s on and curled up on the couch.
Sunday I worked and he tried to get some answers out of me, but it’s hard to talk when you’re on the verge of a meltdown. This is the first time in 2 1/2 yrs that I felt so distant from him. I didn’t like it. Before bed I could have cried myself a river, but I held on. I probably would have felt better, but then there would be more questions why I’m like this.
Today I just wanted to stay home from work and get caught up on stuff. I do feel a sick day coming on.
I love my family so much, and I know things change over time, but when something good comes to an end its hard for me. People see me as being so strong, but I cover up more than I realize.
Thank God For All You Have and realize that is How It Is.
Myrtle
